Monday, August 11, 2014

Charlestonion Opinion: The differences between men and women

It is no secret that men and women are wired differently. Women need and attach emotions to everything. Men are more physical and do not need the emotional attachment and over analyzing that goes along with simple tasks. Let’s take a look at a few scenarios and how differently men and women play them out:
1.      Man sits on couch drinking a beer while the woman is washing dishes and doing laundry.

·        Man thinks- Woman is awesome at this stuff, and the last time I did laundry all of my underwear turned out pink so I might as well wait until she asks for help, at which point I can develop an excuse to not do it.
·        Woman feels- Man is always sitting down not helping. I am so sad that he does not feel the need to help me. I do all of this for him and he sits there drinking beer watching football. I am now angry but will not show it until a later point in the future where it can come to my advantage.
2.      Man slaps woman on the butt repeatedly throughout the day as he sees her.
·        Man thinks- That woman is one sexy creature. I am so lucky that I have that beautiful ass to slap and touch. I cannot believe that of all the people in the world she chose ME to be able to slap that fantastic pooper.
·        Woman feels- All I am is a piece of meat for him and it is hurtful and saddening that he just slaps my butt all the time. It probably has become just a reaction to him because I am here but I will not bring it up until a later time when it will benefit me to say something.
3.      Woman goes to take a relaxing bath at the end of a very long day.
·        Man thinks- YES! She is getting in the bath soaking all her lady parts getting them nice and ready for our sexy time tonight. I know she wants me to go in there before she gets in the bath so I can slap her butt and then try to climb in the tub and have sex with her. Yeah, that has to be it.
·        Woman feels- I am so excited to be able to have time alone to relax and unwind from all of the stresses of the day like picking the right lipstick, making the right sandwiches for my man, and doing his laundry. I cannot wait to lay here and relax with no interruptions in a butt-slap free zone.
4.      Woman is crying for no apparent reason.
·        Man thinks- Ok, someone died that has to be it. That or someone gave the rose to the wrong person on the Bachelor. Oh no! It is PMS time, I am out of here!
·        Woman feels- I did laundry, made dinner, cleaned the dishes while he watched TV, and all I wanted to do was take a peaceful bath but he came in there slapping my ass and trying to have sex. I can’t take it anymore. I just need a break. Now is the time to use all the ammo I have while he thinks I am PMSing!

These are just a few examples of how men and women think differently. “But Charlestonion, what about same sex couples?” Well you got me there, but when was the last time you saw a same sex couple with one of them standing in the aisle of Bi-Lo confused while the other one sprints off mad after having his/her butt slapped? Exactly!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

St. Louis Rams' Michael Sam inspiring other public figures to open up about their sexuality

St. Louis, MO - Michael Sam is arguably the most important football player in the NFL right now. Sure Jadeveon "Doo Doo" Clowney  was the number one draft pick, and yes Johnny Manziel inspired a twitter trend the night of the draft (#BeforeManzielGetsDrafted), but none of that compares to the drafting of the NFL's first openly gay football player.
Michael Sam courtesy of NY Times

In case you missed it, Michael Sam was a stand out defensive player in the SEC while he attended The University of Missouri. He garnered accolades of all kinds for his skills on the field with Mizzou but his name shot into hyper drive when he opened up about his sexuality. And of course in a world where Beyonce's little sister beating Jay-Z while he laughs it off makes national "breaking" news, Michael Sam's sexuality seemed to be what everyone knew him for.

During the NFL Combine earlier this year he stated that he would like to be known as "Michael Sam the football player, and not Michael Sam the gay football player." Little did he know that his words and courage would spark a flame for other professional athletes and public figures from all over the world to open up about their sexuality.

On Mother's Day LPGA golfer Amanda Lovinhold took the chance to tell the world how she was born. "I feel that by being a member of the LPGA I am labeled constantly as a lesbian. The public thinks that the majority of female golfers are homosexual and therefore we are labeled and stereotyped that way," Lovinhold said. "I would like to take this opportunity to proudly say that I, Amanda Lovinhold, was born a straight woman and I love men!" At this point her closeted lover of 13 years Kenward Hunningtonn joined her at the podium and gave her a kiss and held her hand in support.

It is not an isolated incident either. More and more public figures are opening up about their sexuality.

Dan Deman is a high profile Broadway dancer in New York. He has been dancing since he was six years old and has been getting labeled and chastised for his passion since then. "I used to be called all kinds of names in school because I was a dancer. I usually let them roll off of my back," Deman told us. "But when someone saw me leaving a show one night next to a woman they yelled out, 'Yo is he straight?' and I knew I had to address it in public so there is no more speculation." He started by telling his production company and it grew from there. "I was born a straight man that loves to dance. I would love to be known simply as Dan the Dancer and not Dan the straight dancer."

The problem with this is it is actually news. The fact that Jay-Z makes breaking news when has 99 problems and the biggest one is probably that he went to tip a valet but had to give him a Benjamin since he doesn't even know what a $1 looks like or that his sister in law Solange hates him.

For the record, I would like to open up and proclaim that I am a straight man, although Justin Timberlake could probably turn me if he wanted to. Call me JT!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

New Phone Scam Frustrating the Nation

Washington DC - The FBI is probing a recent rise of a phone scam that targets anyone unfortunate enough to call in to automated systems. So far over 30 million Americans have called in to report the scam and it has left some heartbroken and unwilling to call in to automated customer service.

It happened to WDCA's own reporter Adam Summerlain last week.

"I called in to my bank just like normal and I went to press the button to check my account. Before I pressed it I heard the pre-recorded voice on the other end.," Summerlain said.

This, according to FBI investigators, is where the scam strikes.

"The recorded message told me to listen carefully as the menu options may have recently changed," Summerlain continued. "I thought it was no big deal because it is a big bank and I am sure things are upgrading and staying current."

But what he found was that nothing had changed at all and he could have input his option he knew to be correct from the very beginning.

In our own investigation we called over 64 companies to be greeted with similar messages only to find out that 99% of the menu options had not changed. The only one that did see a change was by a company that used to offer specialized burial services for pets but is now a fast food Chinese restaurant.

Special Agent Ricardo Juarez of the FBI informed us that this tactic is used by many companies in an effort to keep customers on the phone resulting in an aggressive attitude before actually speaking with a human.

"The reason they do that is so you are so angry after sitting and realizing nothing has changed, that they can effectively offer you poor customer service and you will just be happy that you are not waiting to hear if your menu option has changed," Juarez stated. "One way for you as the consumer to fight back is to push a random number and make the operator have to transfer you to the correct department."

The only way to stop this sickening behavior is to alert your family and friends before it is too late.

To contact us regarding this story. Please call 855-558-0000 Option 4. But please listen closely as our menu may have changed.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Tim Tebow brought to Jacksonville for Jaguars game against Denver

Tim Tebow arriving in Jacksonville
Duvall County FL- Florida just got one of their own back today. Former New England Patriot QB Time Tebow arrived in Jacksonville today at the wishes of the Jaguars coaching staff. With the 0-5 Jaguars struggling against every team they play, coaches are hoping Tebow can be the face of change.

It is no secret that Florida loves Tebow. His college career in Gainesville was storied and showed that he had a lot to offer the NFL. His dedication to the game and his team was without question. Once called out for being more worried about his image than his team, he wore jorts and Jerusalem Cruisers with socks to a photo shoot proving the only thing he cares about is football, and Jesus.

The Jaguars coaching staff hopes to bring some of that blessing on their team now.

"Everyone knows he has the inside knowledge of not only how the Broncos work, but how God and Jesus work, and we are hoping to bring that to our team," Jaguars general manager David Caldwell said.

Stay tuned for updates as they come.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Clemson clashes with Georgia, gains superpower

Greenville SC – Clemson has surged to its highest ranking in The Associated Press poll in 25 years after the Tigers won the biggest game of the opening weekend of the college football season.

Clemson is No. 4 in the first regular season Top 25, following its 38-35 victory against Georgia. The reason for their success is simple. They are doing it for Howard’s Rock.

The traditional rubbing of the rock before every Clemson home game is traced back to 1966 when Coach Frank Howard took the rock to a voodoo priestess in the foothills of Greenville to fill it with potential. The only catch, the players had to give an impossible 110% in order for this potential to be released to them.

That was until June when Howard’s Rock was vandalized by a Clemson fan. Since that day numerous sources have mentioned some weird occurrences to anyone that has prolonged exposure to the rock.

“I was standing watch over the rock waiting on repairs to be completed to the protective case, and I felt almost superhuman,” field security guard Ronnie Barnhardt said. “I suddenly felt like I was Bruce Lee. As a matter of fact three ball boys had to be sent to the hospital from my attack when they came up behind me un-announced.”

After Clemson’s surprise win over Georgia this weekend, Georgia Coach Mark Richt asked for the NCAA to investigate the rock.  The findings are staggering.

“Our tests showed an unexplainable power emanating from Howard’s Rock. We have taken a small chunk of the rock to our labs for further testing,” said NCAA spokesperson Ken Brown.

Our news team traveled to the foothills of Greenville to track down the voodoo priestess to see if she could explain what is happening. The 90 year old woman asked to remain anonymous but offered this information: “When I first put the spell on the rock I did it so that each rub would transfer some power to the player. With the chunk being taken out the voodoo deep inside the rock is now flowing as if it is constantly being rubbed. I expect Clemson to win the NCAA Championship this year if the rock is still around them.”

Upon finding out this news, Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney set up a tent over the rock where he is camping out. Coach Swinney said, “I will show that one coach from Columbia what a real coach I can be this year!”

No news on what the NCAA plans to do with Howard’s Rock at this point.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Downtown restaurant creates controversy over crazy cuisine

Charleston, SC- On an average drive through Downtown Charleston you are sure to find an array of restaurants that are sure to cater to any palette. For one local entrepreneur that is exactly what he is counting on.

"There is nothing like it here or anywhere," Sha'ron Mazel said. "To be the first to try this in such an awesome market for foodies is a risk but one that I will gladly take.'

With the health kick underway Mazel plans to bring in healthy dining with a twist. He touts his restaurant as one that will revolutionize the industry and bring all walks of like in to his business. "Everyone wants to be healthy. From the president of the Charleston Cab Company, to the homeless man on the corner," Mazel said. "What better way be healthy than with the prime organ, the master of nutrients, the amalgam of life."

That is right Charleston, Mazel is speaking of a restaurant that serves finely prepared placenta. 

The placenta is thought by many health experts to be the "fountain of youth" and a source of cure for any ailment or disease that a person can get. Local experts say that the cure for cancer could very well lie in the placenta.

"To open a restaurant that serves placenta to the masses means increased health for everyone," Dr. Nathan Franks explains. "I am just glad that not only can my office supply him with the discarded placentas, but I can also be one of the first to try it.'

The aptly named, "Plac-In-Time" will be opening its doors to adventurous Charleston residents by November.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Fight breaks out after local man called "Homo" during home closing

Winford Babbage after being released.
Mt. Pleasant SC- Police were called to the offices of Attorney Chuck Keystone this afternoon after a physical altercation broke out during the exchange of the keys.

Winford Babbage was buying his first house when he became aggravated at Mr. Keystone for hurling insults at him during the signing process. "I felt as if he was jealous of me for being able to buy a house during these rough economic times but that does not mean he can call me names the whole time." the 53 year old Babbage said. "I do not support the gay lifestyle and for him to call me that is totally wrong."

Multiple people at the closing informed Mr. Babbage that there is no wrong in the name but he was still very offended by it. "I have no clue what a 'Ner' is but I know I am definitely not a homo one of those, so that kind of language upset me," Mr. Babbage said.

Attorney Keystone insisted that being called a "new homeowner" is a compliment not everyone can afford and that it is a badge of honor. Keystone said that every time he would say "new homeowner" Mr Babbage would become upset which eventually led to the fight.

After being released from custody Mr. Babbage refused his keys and said, "I will just keep living with mama, Lord knows I don't want a house that make me go to hell."

Investigations revealed that the office for the attorney did no wrong in this case and that the pronunciation of the word "homeowner" is to blame.